One Year Gone
It's hard to believe that today is the one year mark since my miscarriage and D/C last year. I had the surgery three days after finding out our baby no longer had a heartbeat during an ultrasound. Although its been a year, the pain is still there and will still hit me unexpectantly. But healing has definitely come and the pain is not as intense. There are even days I can talk about my first pregnancy with Patrick without crying. Being so blessed with a current pregnancy eases the pain, but there are still days it hits me like a wave and the memories still haunt me. I still remember..
I can still remember sitting on the ultrasound table and seeing the little lifeless body on the screen and immediately knowing something was wrong. I remember the complete silence and me forcing out the words, "there's no heartbeat is there?" I remember the feeling like I was falling through the floor, the ringing in my ears, and the sense of not being able to breathe. I felt like they were telling me I no longer had a heartbeat. I remember reaching for Patrick's hand and going back to an exam room. I remember how angry I was that God would take our baby after we had tried for over 5 years. I remember the quiet drive home and the tossing and turning trying to sleep all night. I remember the pain and tears hitting like a wave the next morning and staying in bed a few hours. It was the lowest I have ever felt.
I remember Patrick taking me for a long drive that Sunday before the surgery to get me out of the house. I just kept holding my stomach and felt the cramping start. I remember feeling like a complete failure as we sat in the waiting room before my D/C and worried I had somehow let our baby down. I had irrational thoughts and wondered if it was a mistake and maybe the baby was still alive. I remember the anesthesiologist asking if I had started bleeding yet and feeling like a failure all over again telling him no. I couldn't even miscarry right. Patrick couldn't come back with me, and I had to wait by myself for a while. I turned a little tv on in my room and watched the news and weather like it was a normal day. I never took my hands off my stomach, and the most painful thought was in an hour my baby would be gone forever. I remember the tears flowing down my cheeks as they put me to sleep and I remember crying when I woke up. I remember the dark days and months of depression, loneliness, anxiety attacks, and anger that followed. I will never forget how I felt these days.
But I also remember the compassion of my doctor and his staff the day we learned our baby had died and in the weeks and months that followed. I remember the beautiful pink sunset we watched silently on the drive home from the doctor. I remember Patrick taking me to my favorite restaurant the weekend before the D/C to try and make me smile. I remember my son making me laugh. I remember the love and support from family and friends, the cards, the prayers, the meals. Walking to the mailbox to open cards became my favorite time of day. I remember Patrick holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder for hours and telling me he loves me no matter what happens. As I reflect on this past year, I can definitely see so many blessings even during the pain and struggles. I'm especially thankful for my current pregnancy and the new life God has blessed us with. But I will never forget my first pregnancy and the hope our baby gave us.
If you are going through a miscarriage, I hope you can find peace and comfort and take the time you need to grieve your loss. And if you know someone going through this, reach out to them and give them the time they need to grieve.
"Grief never ends...But it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Author Unknown
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Kahlil Gibran
"I loved you at your darkest." - Romans 5:8